The feeling of release, the feeling of tranquility, the feeling of true liberation; that’s right, I’m talking about the feeling when you pop that nasty whitehead sitting directly below your nostril. Everyone’s had at least one little bugger who shows up at the most inopportune time possible, pulsing with pus. You can feel him mocking you as he ruins what otherwise might be considered as a semi-aestheticly pleasing face. As he grows, so does your anger, until finally, you splatter his guts against the mirror. Nothing feels better than that moment you feel him burst open, and nothing is more satisfying than wiping away any trace of the murder. However, the homicide is never truly gone; in his place, a scar forms. A permanent reminder of the horrible, engorged mass that once was.
It was one day during Rent rehearsal where my world started to turn grey. He took a seat next to me out of the blue, smiling this doofy smile that I had never seen before.
“Hey Kelso. Scarlet Letter, eh?” Not the most interesting topic of conversation, but it didn’t matter- my heart surprisingly jumped into my throat anyways.
“Y-yeah! Just started it- and I don’t hate it? Is that weird?” I tried my best to keep my cool as I looked into his dark brown eyes, noticing the way they glinted in the dimly lit theatre. As we talked, I noticed the way he ran his hand through his silky black hair, noticed the way he gingerly twisted his sunglasses in his hand, noticed the way he stole quick glances at me when he thought I wasn’t looking. I felt my own smile stretch across my face to match his, felt my heart palpitating as if I had an IV shooting caffeine directly into my bloodstream, felt the world around me slow down until nothing else was moving except for us. . What was this feeling? It had a familiar twang- something I hadn’t felt in about 3 and a half years. Oh shit, I thought to myself. I have a crush.
It was a time of first world hardship- I was staying in an overcrowded dorm during a sweltering Boston summer with nothing but a fan to keep me cool- but in the midst of a true tragedy a symbol of hope revealed itself: the red blanket. It seems odd to me now that amidst the heat I would find a blanket so appealing, but it’s comforting appearance put me at ease. No longer would I worry about dying of heat stroke with the fuzzy cloth enveloping me; but first, I had to obtain this prized item. See, it belonged to a remarkably simple boy with sandy hair and blue eyes: a true New Jerseyite. I wormed my way into his heart, similarly to the way his blanket had mine. I had many an adventure with him, and even grew to love him (as a friend of course); but when it came time for our adventures to come to a close, I made my move. I thought quickly and hid the blanket away to where he would never be able to find it. He searched up and down and all around until finally he gave up and hobbled home to NJ-blanketless. I was victorious!
This red blanket reminds me of a time of adventure, a time of music, a time of love; but most importantly, it reminds me that I can get away with- excuse me, accomplish anything if I work hard and put myself out there.
Shoulders: Too Sexy for School
December 5th, 2016
BRAINTREE, MA- Students of The Sylvanus Academy in Braintree, MA are up in arms about their new dress code, which was introduced to the handbook this past weekend. This new rule prohibits students and faculty alike from wearing any sort of clothing that shows shoulders: from the handbook at the Academy “All tops must have a full back and cover the waistband of a student’s skirt, pants, or shorts. Tops are expected to cover the shoulders.” When we spoke to Headmaster Ted Bear, he said that the inspiration for the new rule came from a recent scientific report released by Dr. Scapula of the Department of Umerology at Yale.
Scapula reports that, “With the help of my colleague Reverend Dr. Shul Ders, we have come to the conclusion that the obstruction of shoulders in school systems has a significant number of benefits to the learning environment.” Reverend Dr. Ders comments “The shoulder provides a catalyst site for protein synthesis; however, there exists no mitosis checkpoints than can occlude the synthesis from producing an excess of chemicals. By covering shoulders, students prevent the release of these chemicals, which has shown to produce amazing results.” Some of the benefits include:
- A .0001% increase in overall intelligence of freshman* (based on PSAT scores)
- Boys are no longer entranced by the beauty of the upper arm, and can now fully focus on their studies.*
- Tensions between teachers/admins and students disappear, making it easier for teachers to educate the students without distraction.
Students have varied responses to their new dress code. One female freshman, wishing to remain anonymous in order to protect her Algebra II grade, remarks, “I don’t think I should have to hide my shoulders when my Math teacher wears dresses shorter than I do!”
“Although the shoulders at school have been tamed, my grade’s have actually gotten significantly worse, as most nights, instead of doing homework I stay up late crafting shoulder memes to send in my group chats and potential submissions to smack high. I find myself wondering what the girls in my class are hiding underneath their sleeves,” says a male junior from Cambridge, MA.
There are claims that school should only be a place of learning, but students are confused, stating “If I’m just supposed to learn here, why are they looking at my body in the first place? Obviously boys aren’t the only ones looking at my shoulders.”
There have even been comments from the faculty at The Academy. The Upper School Director, Smighley Thompson, tells us, that “Until we find a way to remove the shoulder completely, this is the next best thing. As long as the data keeps showing positive results reflected in our students, we will continue to enforce this rule.” Chemistry professor Shmari Fhalili informs us that “Covering girl’s shoulders further prevents the release and dispersion of a hormone called hyperhidrosis through the process of diaphoresis. This chemical is also known to increase testosterone in males”
Although there are many opinions circulating, the general consensus of the Academy is reflected in this male student’s forlorn response: “I miss shoulders…”
*give or take .0001%
*however, reports show an increased number of male students in detention for calling girls “too conservative”