Shoulders: Too Sexy for School
December 5th, 2016
BRAINTREE, MA- Students of The Sylvanus Academy in Braintree, MA are up in arms about their new dress code, which was introduced to the handbook this past weekend. This new rule prohibits students and faculty alike from wearing any sort of clothing that shows shoulders: from the handbook at the Academy “All tops must have a full back and cover the waistband of a student’s skirt, pants, or shorts. Tops are expected to cover the shoulders.” When we spoke to Headmaster Ted Bear, he said that the inspiration for the new rule came from a recent scientific report released by Dr. Scapula of the Department of Umerology at Yale.
Scapula reports that, “With the help of my colleague Reverend Dr. Shul Ders, we have come to the conclusion that the obstruction of shoulders in school systems has a significant number of benefits to the learning environment.” Reverend Dr. Ders comments “The shoulder provides a catalyst site for protein synthesis; however, there exists no mitosis checkpoints than can occlude the synthesis from producing an excess of chemicals. By covering shoulders, students prevent the release of these chemicals, which has shown to produce amazing results.” Some of the benefits include:
- A .0001% increase in overall intelligence of freshman* (based on PSAT scores)
- Boys are no longer entranced by the beauty of the upper arm, and can now fully focus on their studies.*
- Tensions between teachers/admins and students disappear, making it easier for teachers to educate the students without distraction.
Students have varied responses to their new dress code. One female freshman, wishing to remain anonymous in order to protect her Algebra II grade, remarks, “I don’t think I should have to hide my shoulders when my Math teacher wears dresses shorter than I do!”
“Although the shoulders at school have been tamed, my grade’s have actually gotten significantly worse, as most nights, instead of doing homework I stay up late crafting shoulder memes to send in my group chats and potential submissions to smack high. I find myself wondering what the girls in my class are hiding underneath their sleeves,” says a male junior from Cambridge, MA.
There are claims that school should only be a place of learning, but students are confused, stating “If I’m just supposed to learn here, why are they looking at my body in the first place? Obviously boys aren’t the only ones looking at my shoulders.”
There have even been comments from the faculty at The Academy. The Upper School Director, Smighley Thompson, tells us, that “Until we find a way to remove the shoulder completely, this is the next best thing. As long as the data keeps showing positive results reflected in our students, we will continue to enforce this rule.” Chemistry professor Shmari Fhalili informs us that “Covering girl’s shoulders further prevents the release and dispersion of a hormone called hyperhidrosis through the process of diaphoresis. This chemical is also known to increase testosterone in males”
Although there are many opinions circulating, the general consensus of the Academy is reflected in this male student’s forlorn response: “I miss shoulders…”
*give or take .0001%
*however, reports show an increased number of male students in detention for calling girls “too conservative”